eWonder

BRMS Links

2010-02-24T23:33:00.000-08:00

1. http://onlinestatbook.com/simulations/desc/mean_med.html

2. http://onlinestatbook.com/simulations/compare_dist/compare_dist.html

3. http://onlinestatbook.com/simulations/sampling_dist_all/samp_dist.html

4. http://onlinestatbook.com/simulations/variance_est/variance_est_sim.html

5. http://onlinestatbook.com/simulations/sampling_dist_N/sampling_dist_N.html

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6. http://onlinestatbook.com/simulations/sampling_dist_all/samp_dist.html

7. http://onlinestatbook.com/simulations/t_distribution/t_dist_demo.html

iCalm Demo

2009-06-08T17:25:00.001-07:00

A live video of iCalm being used will be available on

June 9, 2009

Thank you.

Merry Christmas

2008-12-24T18:19:00.000-08:00

Elliott 3 Years agon in Africa

Elliott at MIT Today

Ok not much has really changed. But what a wonderful journey it has been, and I want to thank you for being a part of that adventure and Merry Christmas!

This year I have celebrated many wonderful opportunities. I finished teaching my leadership class at CU. I journeyed to Ecuador living in the middle of the jungle. And now I am working at MIT, studying biofeedback: creating tools to help people become more self aware.
None of this could have happened without people like you in my life. So thank you for sharing this adventure with me and helping me out on the way. I'm excited what the new year will bring and hope life is shining for you.

PS-Could you please send me your mailing address, I would love to start sending actual Christmas cards.

What happens when you talk to girls with monkeys on their backs

2008-08-08T10:48:00.000-07:00

A theme that I have been wrestling with is pursuit. Why do we not pursue things? I was basically pushed to apply for MIT. I am deathly scared to ask girls on dates. And I hate setting goals. And this is a problem with all of society, we do not pursue that which we truly desire. I have been wrestling with this in PLC for the last year.

But then there are things that help me jump out of my comfort zone and pursue the new and exciting. This time around it was a monkey, and I am very grateful for that monkey.
It was the Patrichirishka founding party. There was a free lunch that I had to stop by. And that is where I met Marizol. She wore a red hat and had a monkey on her shoulder. Generally, I´m pretty hesitant talking to other girls, but she had a monkey, so I just went out of my way and initiated a conversation.

She told me how there were birds and monkeys in her backyard. She lived at home and was only here for the day because her father came. I then went all out and asked if she was going to the dance. Her father wouldn´t let her, but then she invited me to her house. Kilometer 45. On the left hand side. Random girls house, sounds exciting.

So I take the bus there the next day. It ends up she is sick and can´t leave the house, so she was there! We sat and talked for a while. She asked if I wanted to go to the river, and I said, why not. Well you have to wait for my father to get home!

Her father came home from the fields and went right up to me, 2 inches from my face, and said “Do you want to go to the river now?” Um, sure ok. So he lead me for an hour and a half on quite a challenging trail. I had to cross the river about 10 times, sometimes I felt he was just making me cross for entertainment. I reminded myself that if he gets hurt, there is no way I will be able to get out of here.

Eventually we reach the most beautiful lagoon I have ever seen. I swam across it a few times, perfect temperature. Three story palm trees laid on the beach. Some trees over hanged above the lagoon so you could see the reflection of the water on the leaves creating intricate, ever changing patterns. The lagoon ended with giant rocks covered in bright green mold. Paradise, really. A 5 star resort could not compete.

Then he asked me to come back another day, for an even longer trip, with fishing! How could I refuse. After my stay with Wajuyat I came back, excited to see what else was in store.
They took my bags and gave me more juice and food than I could ever eat. I slept upstairs and prepared myself for the adventure tomorrow.

The morning consisted of hunting for food! The oldest son Manuel took me to a remote mountain in the jungle. At one point an ant got stuck in my belly button and chewed the living tar out of it. So painful. But the route was so tranquil and serene. I was walking where tourists have never walked, Manuel´s home.

Eventually, Manuel´s dog found a wild turkey and started chasing it. I stood there trying to figure out what was happening. Before I knew it, the turkey ran over my very feet and disappeared into the trees. Wow! Manuel asked me why didn´t I catch it. Oh, I see, we were hunting that. Woops. And so that was the story for the rest of the day, how an animal ran over my feet, and I didn´t catch it, that Manuel told everyone I met.

We returned for lunch. Manuel´s wife did my laundry and we went out for Sugar Cane Chicha. It was some powerful stuff. Manuel bought me candy and gum as well. I then go home and have dinner with the family. The dad shows me how to play traditional Shuar music on the piano. Afterwards the party begins. Manuel poors more sugar cane alcohol for us and we watch movies – shuar music videos.

This goes on for a few hours. I strategically watch my alchol intake, learning from previous mistakes. We start dancing which is real fun in the little dirt kitchen area. Eventually, Manuel become overly drunk, and I retreat with Marizol. We talk for a long while. She tells me about her life and how she´ll miss me. And the night ends, eerily similar, to one night I had in Africa.
In the morning the father gives me, as a gift, the two DVD´s we had watched and sends me off. I offer money, and they insist on not taking anything, and only wished I would stay longer. This was the most hospitable family I had ever met.

I had the time of my life, and it all started with me asking a girl with a monkey on her back if she wanted to dance. Pursue. It´s worth it.

My name is Rainbow

2008-08-06T10:41:00.000-07:00

When I started living in the jungle I made a promise to myself that I would stay here for a month. I debated staying for 40 days, but after 2 weeks, a month would be more than enough of a miracle.

Everyday I counted down the days, writing it on top of my journal. My thinking was obsessed about food, video games, and home. I dreaded the days. How will I survive today? I had no idea why I was there. That is how it began.

By the end, I was hesitant to leave. I had watched 5 other volunteers leave early, as the experience was to stressful. I had days without food, and was able to get past that, enjoying the day. I was excited at whatever happened, even if it was just taking a bath. I thought of the family, as a real family, even after they stole my money. All my problems (no sleep because of rain on a tin roof, chickens clucking in the morning, being dirty always, mosquito bites every where) all seemed superficial and unimportant now. I had stopped counting the days, and could stay here for a year if I wanted to. In fact I was really hesitant to leave.

But I guess this is why I´m ok leaving. I confronted an incredibly hard experience, learned a lot from it, and now am ready to learn something new. This is probably one of the most rewarding and difficult aspects of my life – I´m always seeking new challenges. When I am not learning, I move on. There are new mountains to climb and I need to face my fear of travelling alone for a month and living with a diversity of people.

Looking back that was a hard decision, I´m sure reading my blog, you know I have had so many amazing experiences in 31 days. Things that I am really lucky to have discovered and grow from, and I now left them.
Wajuyat gave me a bracelet. We had a delicious soup and I talked with him. He told me how he admired how much I wrote and said I can see the future like him (he’s apparently psychic)

Today he wanted to thank me for being the hardest worker he ever met (remember this is relative). He gave a speech telling the other volunteers what I have done: I moved rocks, went into the jungle, went dancing, played soccer, taught school, tried Ayuwaska, helped Erica, went to Erica´s goodbye party, and helped more than anyone else, all in one month. He told me my experiences will travel with me my entire life and to always remain positive. Things will be easy and hard, but I must always be positive as they will pass.

He then gave me a name in Shuar: Arco Iris, in English, Rainbow. Which is a symbol of war. Ok . . A bit different in their culture, but none the less I thoroughly appreciate it.

And then I departed with the two kids Eferen and Fanni on my side. I decided to sing the Indiana jones song on the way down the hill. Where I bought chocolate and cookies!

Taking Drugs and Seeing Visions

2008-08-04T10:39:00.000-07:00

Near the end of my trip, Wajuyat wanted to go all out. You see, three new volunteers had come, and I had a bit more to experience. As Wajuyat was the son of a shaman, he knew how to make the spiritual drink Ayuwaska.

Ayuwaska is a ceremonial drug. Legend has it that the shamans received it from the gods on top of a mountain, as it does not grow naturally anywhere. After taking Ayuwaska, one can see visions of the future and talk directly with the gods. How did shamans learn about all these crazy medicinal plants? They attribute it all to the visions they had with Ayuwaksa.

Now I don´t take drugs. Quite literally. I had one Tylenol when I was a freshman in college and that´s the extent of it. But here was a real unique cultural experience. Way out of my cultural experience, but safe, and educational, so I took the plunge, and said, why not?

So this was a big deal for me, and I spent all day preparing myself. I fasted all day. I took a long bath to cleanse myself. Our group hiked 8km into the jungle where I then sat meditating for the day. I was spiritually ready for whatever would happen.

But then Wajuyat didn´t come. You see he was sick. So his son made the Ayuwaska. When night fell, I held the cup in my hands, like standing at the edge of a swimming pool, ready to take the plunge. Who knows what will happen when I take this drink.

I drink the cup in one gulp. It tastes like pumpkin juice. I had spent all day making sure I would not be nervous, but I was freaking scared. What´s going to happen to me in the middle of the jungle?

The effects were not immediate so I just sat down, staring into the forest and started thinking. I tried so hard to make visions pop up. I was so invested in my success. What if nothing happens? That would be horrible. I have spent all day, literally, preparing myself for this, and if there is no effect, I failed. And that is when it hit me: I need to be ok if nothing happens. I need to enjoy the jungle for the jungle. It’s ok to prepare for things, but if they don’t happen, I can’t let that disappoint me. If nothing happens, everything important still happens.

And that is all I learned. After about an hour one of the other volunteers spoke up. Is anyone actually feeling anything? Nope. The ayuwaska had no effect on any of us. I was freaking out, preparing for, and readying myself for nothing.

And yet that was the revelation I had, that it´s ok to fail, that is still something. I still had an amazing, once in a life time day. And so that was the vision I had, which had nothing to do with Ayuwaska, I think . . .

The Illusion of Helping

2008-08-02T10:31:00.000-07:00

For the last month I have been a volunteer at an organic farm with a family that has no income and is on the bottom rung of the social economic level. I was given the title of “hardest worker” and put my whole soul into the project. That said, I could have made a bigger difference helping my mom make dinner for one week. My entire idea of what it means to help people has been completely shifted, the most dramatic revelation I have had.

For me I live my life to serve. My basic needs are met, and life is about dedicating myself to others and making the world a better place. That’s what I value and have valued for my whole life. It’s how I got into MIT and what I attribute all my successes to. It’s not about me, its about helping others, no matter how small. But now I have a bigger question, what does it mean to help?

My thesis: When you try to make an environment better, it evolves around your push.

The easiest example is moving rocks. The family needed rocks moved up a giant hill and enlisted me to help everyone. After my 2nd bag, the entire family stopped and sat down at the porch and just watched me move the rocks for the rest of the day.

On surface, I helped move the rocks up the hill which made their house better, so I helped. Right? Not so fast Elliott! You need to put an economic perspective on this. Would those rocks not come up if I was absent? No, the family would have done it, as they did in the beginning. So moving rocks had no instant benefit.

You could argue that the family was happy that I helped out. And that was a benefit, but what a shallow, non-sustainable end result for my time. And then compare that to the harm I caused.

The family is less strong, which is not good in the future as they will have to carry much more up the hill.
The family has learned that their work is less valuable because a white person will do it for free.
The family has learned to depend on me, as there are no consequences of outsiders helping.
My back hurts now. And for what? Literally, a lot of negatives, with no positives. I will definitely argue that I gained insight here (but this blog is on helping OTHERS).

This sort of phenomena was repeated continuously. Putting dirt in bags, carrying food, cooking. One volunteer told me of her experience in Africa where she paid $2,000 to build a house while everyone in the village watched, who were all more capable than her.

So our actions create an environment of helplessness and expectation. The word voluntario here is almost used interchangeably as tourist, with no appreciation. This is important you see, as my life direction was headed to making a college for training people in Africa how to repair medical equipment. I’ve now realized a few problems with my idea. Here are some serious questions to ask yourself before helping:

Do they really want it?
How do I know that people in Africa want there medical equipment fixed? I know that fixed equipment will save people’s lives, but that is me putting my values on them. There is a reason that all of the equipment is broken. (Because they just keep receiving new donations, and have no value for the equipment, a state instilled by constant “helping”)
Erica started the Seed Center I volunteered at to help distribute a diversity of seeds across the Amazon for reforestation. What she discovered is that no one wanted them. In fact she would give seeds to villages and they would then ask for money to plant the seeds. The importance of reforestation makes sense to me, but that doesn’t mean the people you are helping want it.
Going back to the economic perspective, if a system doesn’t already exist, chances are, it is because there is not a strong enough demand for people to start it. And if there is not a strong demand, are you really helping?

Should I be the one doing this?
Why should Erica help distribute the seeds instead of the locals? She began the project with Wajuyat, and Wajuyat transformed her dream to basically get another house by the road with no real intention of starting a seed center. Erica was not in a position to actually make the difference she thought.
And then there’s the problem of creating helplessness. By giving people all the seeds, the culture changes to expect that foreigners will help them with their conservation efforts (as they continue to chop down trees and have 10 kids).
Are the people I’m working with invested in the project and why?
In the town I live by, there is a community project that is halfway built, and then the workers decided that it wasn’t worth it anymore. Just because you involve people doesn’t mean that they will go the distance with you. Is their interest only economic?
I often think that educating people about problems is a solution (like birth control). But this assumes that people want to learn about these problems, or want to learn to read, or want to go to college, etc.
Should I be sacrificing what I want?
If I repair medical equipment, it’s because I want to help the world. I actually don’t really like electrical engineering and medical reapir at all.
While I was in the jungle I was starving to death and it was not fun. True I was altruistic, but it was not worth it all. Even if there was helping others, I could have helped the world out so much more by doing what I enjoy most.

So in conclusion, I really learned that many efforts to help are simply an illusion in the bigger picture. We donate funds, we volunteer hours, we pass laws, but in the process of all this, we create an environment dependent and ran by outsiders, us.

With all that said, I believe I still can make a difference, but you really need to seriously look at what it means to help. Volunteering at a soup kitchen, helping a stranger with directions, and making a webpage for a nonprofit all have great benefits. But for me I can’t just go into a place, with a flaming passion to help, and know that I will be effective. I need to look at the big picture.
I believe technology has helped Ecuador out the most. Nails and hammers have created living conditions for millions. The people who invented the hammers did not invent it to help Ecuador, but the technology was able to alter the environment positively. Same can be said about machetes, busses, and cell phones. How strange that the largest help to Ecuador came through people who weren’t even focused on Ecuador at all.

And when we think we are helping people, we often times are not. Capitalism has brought pain, strife, and very little development to a previously peaceful jungle. The socialist government here is building houses for free to anyone who wants one. While now everyone has a house (which no one actually wanted), the forest is now cut down, people no longer live in their large families, and live in cities where they cannot consume the natural resources of the jungle.

I still live my life to help, but I understand now the Tao of Helping: All the pain, suffering, and problems of the world have happened for a reason and to truly help you should not attack the pain, suffering, and problems directly, but look at the bigger reason. Check out the Clinton Foundation, if you want to see this philosophy work amazingly well.

Questions to wonder (and comment on)

Do you think about whether you are ACTUALLY helping? Why?
What do you use to evaluate whether your helping is actually effective?

The Night I almost Died in the Middle of the Jungle

2008-07-31T10:28:00.000-07:00

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The local town of Patricirichka (at least that’s how I remember it) was having a 3 day party to celebrate it’s founding, and I was invited. A shmorgesbourgh of culture. It began with a parade where locals dressed up, some like natives-making fun of their indigenous roots with funny dances.

I was asked to play on the soccer team for the championship game. This involved playing in my hiking boots in the muddiest dirt field ever. There were places where I was in mud up to my knees. Makes for a fun soccer game. I was extremely tall, my shoulders were above everyone’s head. That said, much like my high school career, I was benched at half time, if only I had ran harder!

And then there was the dancing. I hate dancing. Really. But it’s a cultural experience, like eating maggots so I went. It was the same freaking song all night long. If you want to know what it sounds like, just hit the black piano notes in the same pattern, close to chopsticks. And say some words in Shuar. The rules to the dancing were men approached the women and would ask to dance. Once dancing you can’t look in their eyes(that means you want to have sex in the forest). (Interesting, side note, my entire project was sponsored by Fuck For the Forest, look it up.) Once dancing, you just move right and left, the ENTIRE time. No jamming or head nodding. Just swaying.

That said, your’s truly, asked the queen to dance with me. Which was pretty funny as she went up to my waste, quite literally. I thought about bending my knees, but would that be insulting?

And then there was the alcohol. This party happened right after I finished teaching in the middle of the junglethe week before. Manuel, the professor, who left me to teach, wanted to thank me, by buying me a box of wine. I thanked him. Then Wajuyat bought another box for us to share while the boy Eferen poured. The wine was peach wine and tasted surprisingly good, that said I was eating tasteless mush for a comparison.

So I drank a box of wine with Wajuyat, and then they bought another. About the 3rd box of wine, I figured out they were trying to get me drunk. Hmm… So I made a rule, I will only drink till I fill a bit tipsy/wobbly, and then I’m quitting, no matter how much they want to give me more.

So after I began feeling tipsy, I insisted to Manuel and Wajuyat that I needed to get to the dance and so I left by myself. And that’s when the alcohol hit, and it hit hard as I had no food in my stomach. I started feeling like I couldn’t stand and wanting to close my eyes. Was I passing out?

Well I was definitely freaking out. I don’t want to pass out due to alcohol in the middle of the jungle; I need to get the alcohol out of my system. So I recalled from all of my RA training that food can help balance the effects, so I bought some bread. Well a new equation I learned is bread and lots of wine is a really bad combo. As soon as I quickly digested it, it came back up and all my wine too. Right in front of the entire dance floor. That is right, Elliott, has officially puked in front of an entire community dance, in the middle of the jungle.

But I was still scared for my life, I’m still dizzy. I need to drink water. So I went outside and asked a small kid to show me water, and he took me to a hose in the back yard of a house. I began to guzzle it down. Now the water here is extremely unhealthy, and I was extremely stupid to drink it. But I suppose, it wasn’t too big of a problem as it all came out anyway on the poor yard. While I was puking, the owner of the house was doing laundry right next to me, which I just feel horrible about.

And I thought I was going to die. It was raining and it was cold, and I had no idea what was going on. I felt bad for the man, but surviving came first. They don’t have stomach pumps in the jungle. So here I am in the middle of the woods and I began chanting “you don’t want to die”, “drink water”, “ don’t die”. I went back to the dance and sat down, trying to warm myself by the fire.

Within 30 minutes I was nearly 100% sober, I guess my method worked. I was able to walk back to my house in the complete dark crawling on my hands and knees up the stairs to watch the giant steps.

Now every time Wajuyat introduces me, to local indigenous people, to volunteers, and even his family, he goes into full detail about the night. Which is really fun when I have to translate it into English. Well I did learn a new verb out of the experience, “vomitir”.

The Benefits of Extreme Male Chauvinism and Being Male

2008-07-29T10:26:00.000-07:00

In my Global Leadership class we talked about the role of women in developing nations. Basically, they have no rights and are horribly abused, as I read in my text book. If we can give them education, this can be reversed. I had a lot to learn about what it really meant to put women on a lower class.

The Shuar (the indigenous group I was living with) extremely devalue women. It has been quite hard for me to find a romantic relationship here as most the girls are married before 15. But the entire concept of marriage is a little bit different. Wajuyat´s father had 7 wives. Which lead to him having 45 children. A family is small here if there are less then 10 people in it. But women are not just baby makers.

They also do all the work. Louisa, Wajuyat´s wife, did all the work. She went the 18km to get food for the family. Took care of all the kids. Did the laundry. Cooked the food. Basically everything, while Wajuyat played his flute. And this is 100% accepted. I would find Wajuyat in the fields with his wife cutting the grass. He would respond “I’m cutting the grass right now” or “I’m making dinner” when in reality his wife is doing all the work, he’s just taking credit.
It gets worse. Not only do women do all the work, they get no say. Louisa gets no voice. The girls do not go to college, only the men (at least in this family). Wajuyat tells his wife what to do, and she does it. She doesn’t get a phone nor does she ever talk to me unless I ask her questions. Wajuyat would ask me if I want a salad, and then tell Lousia, make Elliott a salad.

And it gets worse. The men do not have to be thankful for any of this. And Wajuyat is not, from what I have seen. He cheats on his wife. He hits on all of the girl volunteers. I have seen a women sit on his lap, right in front of his wife. He would get drunk and dance with the other girls at the party, and then Lousia would have to take him home.

And then there was Erica. She left the volunteer project because of the romantic issues. Wajuyat fell in love with Erica and wanted her to run away with him, abandoning the family. One day Wajuyat was wondering what Erica was up to, so he sent his wife on a 4 hour bus ride to check the email and see if his romantic crush had written an email.

And now Louisa has just been diagnosed with cancer. From an outside perspective, this looks like a depressing situation. And yet I never saw her once complain, ask for more, or even seem sad. This is her culture.

I asked every girl in my class to draw their future and they all drew a picture of a house. Family is so important, not only the source of their joy, but the source of their survival when their husbands die.

And should I find fault in Wajuyat? Remember his father had 7 wives. This is normal for him. Why should he think that pursuing a new wife is a problem? His wife isn’t sad or asking for more?

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not arguing that the situation isn’t sad from my perspective, but I just don’t see the sadness from inside. Our environment shapes us.

And then there is me in this environment. At first I figured I was just being treated as a tourist, till the girl volunteers came. They were required to make their own dinner while I was always given dinner. For a party Wajuyat had a liter of soda and candy bread which he offered only to me, right in front of the girls. He would offer me a seat, while the other girl volunteers were ignored. I was shocked.

One day I was with a special guest family and I needed to do my Laundry. Miguel was going to take me to play volleyball after he talked to his boss. I told Miguel, great, I’ll do my laundry until you come back as I was dirty from a hike. This confused all of them (now remember this is all in broken Spanish).

Miguel: Ok you can do your laundry, but come with me also.
Elliott: Ok, great, I’ll do my laundry, and then we will go.
Miguel: Um no, come with me.
Elliott: Ok, I’ll go with you, but I need clean clothes.
Miguel: That’s fine, just do your laundry.
Elliott: Ok…

Confused I decided to just start doing my Laundry. I put it all in a bag, and asked for soap.
At that point, Miguel, told me, no, no, you don’t do laundry, my wife does laundry, she’ll do it for you.

I told him that wasn’t necessary, but he insisted. It was like an assumed fact that when I do laundry, really a woman does it for me. That’s their job. I don’t even ask. So Miguel and I went to house and just drank beers while his wife did my laundry. So strange and awkward feeling.

Questions to Ponder (and add comments on)

Would you go out of your way not to “oppress” the women, even if they insisted?
Can you find any situation here where people are doing something WRONG? Sure it makes me uneasy, but who is at fault, and why?

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Why I dream about Peanutbutter

2008-07-27T10:21:00.000-07:00

For one of my “40 things to write about” I chose to describe my perfect day at MIT. It was near impossible to do, and took me 4 days to complete. Not because I have impossible ideals, no, because of peanut butter.

I started off the day with a bowl of Reeces Peanut Butter cereal. And you see that is where I get stuck. I begin to imagine eating that bowl of cereal. And I literally start salivating. At that point I have to put my journal down and sleep, as I am over stimulated by the idea of eating peanut butter. This happened almost every night.

You see, I am living on mush. The staple diet here is papochinas (a potato with no flavour) and platanos (a banana that tastes like a papochina). And that is it. No rice. No beans. No chicken, just steamed mush. And I am now thankful for that mush.

When I went into the jungle without adults, I did not have the luxury of mush. For one day, I only had 3 flavourless platanos. This is not unusual. The family does not feed their small children on a regular basis.

Not only is the food incredibly difficult to consume, but it difficult to obtain as well. To bring the food to the house, you have to first walk 8km in the mud, up to your knees (took me 4 hours). In the jungle you then have to walk another kilometre down a giant hill. Then you have to dig out the potatoes with your hands. Then you have to walk back up the km hill with a 30 lb sack on your head. I felt bad for the girls, so I offered to take their bag. It was the hardest work I´ve ever done. And then you have to walk the 8km back to the house so the family of 10 can quickly consume the mush. Let’s just say, I am extremely appreciative of my local grocery store now.

But there were special occasions of food. I snuck in my “survival food” – chocolate bars and cookies. Oh how those cookies tasted so good! And that provided a whole new challenge. I wanted to eat the whole bag at once but I needed to ration the food, even though I was being malnourished. It was so hard, and I failed miserably. (But it did not matter as my food was stolen anyway).

Then there was the food Erica bought me for helping her with her thesis. Cookies! I was able to instantly pop out of bed at 5am to measure plants when Erica whispered cookies! She even bought chocolate that felt like the best drug ever.

And then there were the unique experiences. Twice I was given a mysterious meat, that I later found out was wild Guinee pig. I pride myself in being a vegetarian, but I also believe that it is important to show respect to families, and their fresh kill was extremely important. Don’t worry, seeing a wild boar slain and drained of blood on my door step put me back in veggie mode very quickly after the guinea pig.

And then there are the more unique foods. My favourite was the white, squirmy, wood maggots as shown in the picture above. When you find a fallen down tree you can pull these guys out, as big as your thumb. Much more juicy then the baby wasps I had. You can buy these guys for 25 cents at the market, right next to the monkey paws.

And thent here is the Chicha. Yummy chicha. Chicha is a drink that the Shuar make that is semi alcoholic. They take hamaica and mash it up. The women then take out pieces, chew on them, and spit them in the drink, allowing them to ferment. They then take their hands and mash it up more. I had this drink every meal. It is quite popular as it makes it so you are not hungry anymore. By the end I could down these bad boys. Going to miss my chicha!

To sum up my MIT ideal experience now that it has finally been written: I begin the day with Reeces Peanut butter cereal and toast with brown sugar with a natural juice. After swimming I grab a peanut butter smoothie. I have twizzlers on my desk at work. In class I bring peanut butter M&Ms to keep close attention. I then have lunch with my friend Jay and make plans for a pizza dinner.

Questions to ponder (respond in comments):

Is there anyway that we can actually appreciate food as much as we should?
Is starving to death a good way to learn what you care about? Should I avoid my family to learn I care about them?

Sex, Lies, Betrayal, and Cultural Relativism

2008-07-25T10:17:00.000-07:00

What would you do if the thing you valued most was stolen from you? For me $10 worth of chocolate bars and cookies disappeared. This was my survival food. It is what kept me sane, without it, I was going to be reduced to eating mush every day.

The next day $20 more dollars were stolen from my bag, someone in the family had deliberately robbed me twice now, and I had nothing left really to loose. But I was not upset at the money I lost, I was frustrated because this relationship I had with the family was shattered. I played with the kids every day and we ate dinner together and sang song together, and yet they still robbed me. My friendship is now an illusion.

Overall, through my month stay I had $100 dollars taken from me.
Wajuyat tells me he needs $50 to stay in a $6 hostel the first day. Fanni, my student, needs to borrow $10 she does not plan to pay back. The wife needs to borrow $20 that will be repaid, she promises. It just kept happening. If I was in the United States, my parents would tell me, get out of there, those people are not your friends. But you see they are, they are my family.

I am in another culture. I live in the middle of the jungle where the idea of capitalism is something understood only recently. Food is picked on trees and family is all that you need and have. Erica told me a story of a tribe she visited where they just began grabbing food out of her backpack without asking. The concept of ownership did not exist. While I was dealing with a pack of chocolate bars, I will let you imagine the complexities of negotiating oil drilling rights in the jungle.

So cultural relativism is easy on an observation level. The family stealing from me does not default to betrayal on a cultural relativist level (something I taught in PLC). But then it gets trickier, when I throw my actions into the pie. Previously I wrote about spending a fake 20 dollar bill, as it was given out of an ATM. It felt weird, this is what is accepted in the culture, but I am not Ecuadorian, so should I follow my own values, or the values of the country?

I am going to give some examples where I had to make moral choices on these idea of truthfulness. Please let me know (via comments) what you would do!

1. My food is stolen, should I tell? The kids steal my food and I am not happy about it, but I still value my friendship with them (though I am not sure how real it is). Should I tell Wajuyat? I know I won´t get the food back, and it will just make everyone angry and more distance from me.

For me, I took this robbery as a wonderful way of reflecting on life and what it means to me to be hurt by others (which philosophically I do not believe can actually happen).

2. I meet a girl from Km 45 (future post, he he), and she invites me over to her house. I have the time of my life. I come home and tell Wajuyat about it. He gets jealous. He is supposed to be my host, not my friends at Km 45. He tells me that he never wants me to go back again! It is dangerous, the girl could say I raped her or I could die in the jungle and I am his responsibility. These were his exact words (in Spanish). There is an extreme amount of manipulation in the family, and it is important for Wajuyat to feel in power. I knew these things were deliberate lies.

Well I told the girl I would go back and hang out with her for a day on Friday, what should I do? I can also pull the “I did not understand you” card, and pretend that I had no idea I was not allowed. Is that ok? Remember, I am being lied to.

3. So I decide to sneak out and tell the girl I can not come on Friday personally. I jog the 8km to her house (I jog an hour each day anyway) to talk to her. When I get there a dog bites me in the leg. The girl tells me that the dog is sick as well. She patches me up and gives me a bandage. I go home. Should I tell Wajuyat that I betrayed him and was bit by a dog? What should I say when he asks me if I went to Km 45 (the girls house)?

4. The girl at Km 45 tells me that Wajuyat told me not to come because he and her father are enemies. Her father divorced Wajuyat´s sister. Does this change anything?

These kind of questions were so hard to answer and really tested my values. Ultimately, I decided to stay true to myself. I do not want my environment to determine my values. Being honest is so important to me, and just because I am surrounded by different values does not mean I should change mine.

I tried my hardest to stay true to my own values, but in the end, all of my responses still contained manipulation, still made me feel bad, and really made me understand that it is hard to bring your 100% solid values into a new environment without seriously hurting people. And when you value not hurting people, then you will get confused, like I did.

But the lies and manipulation did not stop with me. Manipulation surrounded my entire visit. The entire seed project was done through Wajuyat manipulating and lying to Erica about a seed center. People would constantly lie about Wajuyat. Rumors around the city were that he was making thousands of dollars and not giving any of it away, ruining his reputation. One neighbour at a town meeting said he saw Erica (the lead volunteer), bring a bunch of black people (hated by the indigenous people) to work for her and make loud party noises. Because of this lie, the city demanded that Erica leave. You have to remember that nothing can be owned by individuals, it is all community owned so the power of the council is the final word.

Wajuyat has actually received numerous death threats. Erica tells me they had to run for their lives, on numerous occasions. In fact 5 people had been murdered while she was there, all in the city, over power issues. In fact, I was living with a man named Manuel, a 21 year old whose father was murdered. His father had a wealth of cows and the city thought he was working to closely with the wealthy business men. So they murdered him. Only recently has Manuel decided to come live in the very town that murdered his father. Remember, you are in another culture.

One day in an abandoned shack, Erica and I found a document government stamped with SECRETO on the front. She translated the text: transporting weapons across country borders. I may be as far from modern civilization as possible, but it seems that manipulation, lying, and hunger for power can be taught regardless of borders.

How to Survive 2 Weeks Without Food

2008-07-23T10:11:00.000-07:00

So at this point, you might be wondering, how is Elliott updating his blog while starving to death in the middle of the jungle. That is a very good question. Well every blog you have read so far was written on my “Super Half Way There, Day Off”. When I got back from teaching in the jungle I told Wajuyat that I needed to go to Puyo (the closest town) for a day. And it was needed.

I had talked to nearly no one for two weeks. I ate next to nothing. I slept on wood. I spent days just staring into the forest. I needed a sanity check. While I was trying to get away from the elements, I figure I would not survive without taking a day to refresh.
As the bus arrives into town, the first thing on my mind is to eat food! I find a juice store and order breakfast. This would soon be followed by bread, then ice cream, then pizza. I order an entire large cheese pizza with banana and pineapple. By the time I finish, my malnourished, shrunken stomach begins to swell. It does not taste nearly as good as I have been dreaming about for the last week. That just goes to show, my obsessive visions of the future are only illusions. Things are best when you are imagining them.

At one point, I all of a sudden really needed to use the bathroom. Unfortunately, without a strong infrastructure, bathrooms are not readily available in most stores. I started running from store to store asking if they had a bathroom, I really needed to go! The stores would tell me something I could not translate and I would move on. Eventually, I found a small park where the one bathroom was located and it was locked. They told me to go the market, so I ran all across town to the market to find my salvation. I miss being able to pee anywhere I want in the jungle!
I contact my mom and talk with her for 2 hours on the internet via Skype. She tells me that she too ran off to Hawaii because she was lost. She assures me I am not crazy for running into the middle of the jungle without a plan. Like the mother she is, my Mom tells me to bite the bullet. I need to grow from this. There was a reason I came.

And I think that is when it hit. The pain, the suffering, the experiences. There is a reason. Much like Odysseus needed to go to the depths of hell to understand himself, my obstacle is the jungle. I want to be ready for MIT and all the challenges in the future, and this is how I can do it. It is not going to be pretty. I will want to come home, every day. But only by doing this will I truly be able to appreciate home and friends and life. By sleeping on wood for a month, I will learn to enjoy my bed. I will be the most excited student at MIT orientation getting to eat real french fries. You mean we can drink as much water as we want? I will grow a true appreciation of life, and this is worth everything.

I then go shopping for necessities. I decided starving to death is not that fun so I buy a ton of candy bars and cookies. My “Survival food” that I can eat when I feel really hungry. I buy boots – if you do not have these you will not survive a day in the jungle, it is your soul. I try to find earplugs so I can sleep under the tin roof but no success.
I then begin to up load all my pictures and write my blogs that you have been reading for the last 3 weeks. It was so fun recollecting on everything.

Finally, I check my email and find out that I will be in the penthouse of the tower I signed up for at MIT. When I signed up, they asked me if I have any “special needs” and I put- “Please put me in the highest room possible” and so they did, I am in a room with a full glass window of the highest building of all Cambridge, 24th floor. Nice. What a great day.
I head home and spend 2 hours trying to find my place in the dark, cold rain. Luxury did not last long. At one point I was so thirsty that I drank water from a tarp. Bad idea. Well either way, I now have energy and am ready to conquer the last 16 days! Who knows what else will happen? (Hint it gets a lot crazier).

Questions to Comment on:

Do you think taking a break from challenges is always a good thing? When do you surrender to your urges?
If our desires are always better in our mind (like my pizza), then why do we try to make them a reality?

Day 13- Duck, Duck, Goose (instilling culture)

2008-07-20T17:17:00.000-07:00

So it has been quite the challenge teaching students while being extremely malnurished and sick with no sleep. That said, I had to pull out all the ropes to entertain these kids each day. If you ever come to a village where the students play duck duck goose and make paper airplanes, that was me! Here are some of the American games I taught them (as well as some phrases).

Duck, Duck, Goose- or as one kid says, Duck, Duck, Gee. This is the kid´s favorite game, even the 6th grader. I don´t know why. One time the littlest kid just went around the circle hitting every kid on the head saying duck, and then sat back down. So strange.
Wheels on the Bus - Decided to show them a bit of our cultural heritage. They loved doing the children say "we,we,we" and "shh, shh, shh".
Paper Airplanes- Manuel tells me if he had more funding he would buy paper as there is not enough paper for everyon to work. That said, they were able to find quite a lot of paper to make paper airplanes which they thourghly enjoyed. In fact they made many for many hours. They threw them all over the jungle, and left them there. Yah, reforestation efforts.
Hokey Pokey- This was like the most exciting song ever made.
Humpty Dumpty - Still, every night, everyone keeps sayings "Humpty, Dumpty sat on a wall" and we all laugh.
Simon Says - this did not work out at all, they just kept doing what I said, even when I told them not to!
Pictionary- So cheating is apparantly culturally acceptable here. I told them NO, don´t listen to what I´m whispering, but they kept sneaking up and trying to figure out the word, and then yelling it out loud. Ok . . .
Musical Chairs- Quite exilerating, especially to me singing "I want to know what love is" or "You and me baby aren´t nothing but mammals".
Tag/Blob Tag/Sharks and Minnows - They always chased after me first. These were so hard to explain in Spanish. Ok so you are it, you don´t want to be it. . .
So beyond just playing games, the students did learn some phrases like "My name is, I am 11 years old, I am from Ecuador, I am good, and It is sunny", but those are so much more boring to write about!
One final note, I did a section where I told the students about who I am. I asked them all to ask me questions afterwards. Everyone of them asked, How is your family, or what is your family name, or what are your grandparents names? Apparantly family is important here.

Day 11- Elliott runs the school for a week

2008-07-18T17:16:00.000-07:00

Jugio tells me that there´s a soccer match the next day that we can play in. I´m excited. He wakes me up and we head over to the school. I pop in early to see 15 children, ranging from grades 1 to 6. The teacher, Manuel, then asks me to teach the class 1-10 in English. He then leaves. Ok . . . So I do some fun pointing games.

By the time he´s back, I´ve taught them all the numbers (theoretically) to a million.
The students are excused to play, and Manuel invites me into his house for lunch and to talk. He tells me about his life and how his goal that one day the children here could be lawyers or policemen if they wanted. He told me how he too is takeing classes and he only makes $1500 a year.

He asks if I don´t like meat, I tell him I´m a vegetarian. He then gives me a meat ( a common theme). I ask him what it is, but I´ve never identified the name (its not monkey). He told me he found it last night in the mountains. Ok. . . So I eat it, as I´m the guest (my brother Garrett called this one on the spot). We then go play soccer in my rubber boots. I don´t care how good at soccer you are, you can´t get past 4 girls in boots at the same time.

Manuel then asks me to teach the class Vowels, as if that will help them in life, but I teach them the english vowels. We then play the "pants game". You take a cap and drop it in your shirt and you have to shake your pants to get it out. You then pass it to the next person. One of the students pants fell off in the proccess. I wonder why we don´t play that here?

At the end of class, Manuel tells the class some stuff in Shaur, and then says in Spanish, Elliott will be teaching the next 4 days alone, so give him your respect. What? No I heard him right, I´m teaching the next 4 days alone, in the middle of the jungle, students who can barely understand me. What?

All the advice he gives me: start class at 8 and the little kids enjoy drawing pictures.

Day 9- Into the Jungle (for reals)

2008-07-16T17:15:00.000-07:00

Erica leaves, and I wake up wondering what I will do today. Wajuyat asks me how I am doing, I tell him fine. How´s your body? Great. Great, do you want to go to "el Dentro" today. Yes.

El Dentro is the community not next to the road in the middle of the Amazon. It has good soil and is where the school the children go to is located. I really wanted to check this place out.

Jugio and I set off on our 5km journey. We hike on an extremely difficult terrain. The mud from the trail goes to my knees at time, makeing me loose my boots. We have to cross rivers. I´m exhuasted.

When we get to the house in the Dentro I am relieved. Jugio comes out with a pineapple, and we eat the whole thing. My mouth is so sore. He then takes me to my house, which is basically paradise.

My house is on the 2nd story overlooking a valley, so it is in line with many of the tree tops. I can see hills forrest till my vision blurs. Palm trees are swaying in the air.

The roof is thatched with palm leaves giving it a bungalo feel. Paradise at last. At night I can hear monkeys in the background arguing. Jugio tells me that monkey meat is quite the delicacy.

Later Victor shows up and takes me down to the most sere waterfall. A little cavern is created with a giant moss covered log fallen over this little creek fall. The water is crystal clear as it babbles down green rock after green rock. Victor goes fishing and catches 6 fish. I eat with the children but can´t find my way back. I have to get Victor to send me back.

That´s when I realize that my entire survival is dependent on a 8 year old boy who just learned his multiplaication.

Day 8- Elliott breaks the law, again

2008-07-14T17:14:00.000-07:00

So Ecuador uses the American money system, which made it easy to bring over currency. The problem is, there´s a lot of corruption. Erica went to an ATM and received a fake 20, out of the ATM! She didn´t know what to do with it. Helping her with her plants, she kept trying to pay bus drivers with it, and they kept calling her out as a crook. Hmm.

Eventually, I join in with her, and use the 20 to buy lunch after counting plants. It works. It was so weird. I successfully, intentionally, spent a fake 20 dollar bill. My ethics are so dynamic. It felt so weird
That night I sipped tea. The rain was pooring hard and a single candle flickered in the wood kitchen. It was enlightening.

Day 6- Temptation

2008-07-12T17:14:00.000-07:00

So this whole time I thought I was in the middle of nowhere. Nope! There is a convenience store down the block. Where I can buy all the food, sugar, and drink I could ever want- which would be amazing, as I am living on potatoes and tasteless platanoes that aren´t even enough to feed me. I tell myself, I will try to stay away from modernization.

Then I find out there are American volunteers down the block, that speak English! We go to visit them. They are so friendly and fun. We spend the night talking about our adventures.

At this point I really had to think. Do I want to spend my time here with them having fun, or do I really want to go for that rustic, isolated feeling? I came here for the second, but the first seemed a lot more sane and plausible. I ultimately decided to stay firm to my original goal of being isolated, but how empowering that was to make the choice and no it was my own fault. When we choose to do something, we stop complaining.

Day 6 - A visitor

2008-07-10T17:12:00.000-07:00

Today, Erica, the person who helped start the seed center arrived. She is definately someone that I could end up being like if I dedicate myself to the developing world. She has lived her last 2 years trying to protet the rainforrest from Ecuador. She understands the culture, is lonely, and is quite friendly and wise. We got along great.

She tells me of the politics of the Seed Center. It is impossible to own land in the rainforrest, it is all owned by the Shuar community, making her project enar impossible, and people have continued to play games with her. She has stopped giving money to the seed center, as she sees she is powerless, and now the seed center is bankrupt. An interesting time for me to join.

We then go to do botany work. I write down 1500 sizes of plants that Erica attempts to find in the middle of the rainforrest. She did not label them, so it was quite the game of hide and go seek. I´m glad I´m not a botanist. Plant sizes are just not interesting. They are a bit more interesting then lifting rocks, but just barely.
One of Erica´s plant sights got cut down by loggers (the main industry here), that might affect her end data.

Day 5- Learning Customs

2008-07-08T17:11:00.000-07:00

Today Wajuyat played his flute for me, made out of the fang of a tiger, it was quite soothing in the middle of the lush jungle. He informed me that he actually has played in Germany and France, you would never guess that from a guy who spends his days using a michete.

Afterwards, his wife shows me jewlery they have made out of seeds and twine. They give me a pair and say "for my mom". Now my mom is not one to really wear jewlery that is all natural so I said, thank you, I will buy later. But it ended up, I mistranslated. They wanted to thank me for my job well done carrying rocks (apparantly I´m the hardest worker they have) by giving me seed earings. Now how to convince my mom to wear them.

Afterwards, I am invited to going hiking with Jugio (a 17 year old boy) into the jungle, which I jump on. He takes me 10 min into the jungle, and it is breathtaking. Trees as high as you can see, all different types, hills, and valleys, all moss covered. Breathtaking. He finds a fallen log and then precedes to dig through it. Jugio finds a wood maggot and offers it to me.

Now this maggot is white, as fat as my thumb, and squirmy. Now I´m a vegetarian, so I have an easy out here. But this is also a once in a lifetime opportunity, so I say why not and take the plunge. It´s taste was quite unique (being I haven´t had meat for 2 years). I had another one later. And in fact, they very well could have been put in my eggs that night as well.

Afterwards Jugio takes me back and shows me their bathing spot which is quite tranquil. I sit there and wash for the first time in a week. It was wonderful with the sun peaking down on me between the trees. I got up and said "I love this place", which of course no one there understood.

Day 4- Observations

2008-07-06T17:10:00.000-07:00

I have began to notice the familys sleep patterns. They go to bed when Wajuyat (the father) does, and they wake up when the father does. Sleep for me has been quite a challenge. I live in the "arc". A side extension to the house with a metal roof. The problem is when it rains. The best way I can describe it is that I´m in the middle of a popcorn bag, that is exploding. The rain POUNDS on the metal waking me violently. When the sun rises, the chickens take over, clucking right under me. Sleep is definately lacking here, and I can´t find earplugs anywhere.

Wajuyat asks me for a months pay today. I was so hesitant to pay. Am I in this for real, living on bare bones with little to no purpose, hanging onto my sanity. I paid, and it felt like a large step. The funny thing was it was only $100 for an entire month. Nothing really to worry about, but it was huge!

Diseases to check for rabies, lice, and whatever happens when you put clothespins holding diapers into your hair.
The two girls decided to comb my hair which was fun. I even got my beard combed. They then put clothespins in my hair which was quite strange.

A baby pup sat on me after dinner. They don´t really feed their dogs and the insects are furoucious, so this dog was not in a very good state. In the morning I checked and he had an entire spot of exposed flesh I was petting, . .. hmm.

Day 3- Time to reflect and move rocks

2008-07-04T17:09:00.000-07:00

So at this point everything you have read was written on from a stolen pen from a struggling town in a 3rd world nation. How does that make you feel?

Well today, I received a new pen! The local teacher from the school way in the middle of the rainforrest stopped by. He gave me a pen that was donated to him. Yey, so now all the blogs you read will be written from a pen donated to me by Ecuador! (I have journaled over 100 pages so far - don´t worry, I only type the juicy bits).

Today I was put to "work" by takeing rocks from the road and bringing them to the top to be used as a sort of easment for the kids to work on. It was hard work. I filled up a bag with 30 lbs of rocks flung it on my back and preceded to walk up a muddy hill for 10 min. Repeat. Meanwhile, Wajuyat and his family watched. I began to wonder, what does volunteering actually mean.

Afterwards I began going crazy. Am I here really to lift rocks for 31 days? Is that the vacation I envisioned. No. I decided to create 40 topics for me to write on while I´m in the jungle. These consisted of things I really wanted answered before I started school at MIT. The topics included things like, a list of past achievements, what does it mean to serve?, my ideal day at MIT, etc. If I get enough comments, I´ll post my 40 "wonderings" on the webpage.

So there you have it, I´m in the middle of the jungle. I can´t communicate at all. I have no where to go. It is so mentally draining.

Day 2- Into the Jungle

2008-07-02T17:05:00.000-07:00

I arrive at the Seed Center in the morning. There, the mother and 4 children waited for me. I then preceded the rest of the day following the kids around communicating with the little spanish we both new (their native language is Shuar).

We began by playing "Columbo". There is a vine near the house, and we swung on it into the trees. These little girls, no older than 3 were litteraly 5 feet in the air, having a blast. On a different day, when it was my turn the vine actually snapped on me, and I fell on my turf, it was the talk of dinner that night, and apparantly Wajuyat´s friends thought it was pretty funny too.

Next we played musical instruments up on the balcony. The kids loved my tamborine rythms, and my harmonic powers. They played with marbles and clackers. It was quite a party. Even if we can´t speak Spanish, we can still communicate.

Afterwards I got a tour of the "tortuga", which my brother Hayden, the environmentalist, would love. They punched a hole in the turtle´s shell and strung a wire throught it, tying it to a tree. Effective, yes. Strange, yes.

Finally we went fishing which involved putting a leaf of worms in my pocket and heading down to the river down by our place. Victor an 8 year old then took a hook and begun to fling it out, trying to see if fish would come out of the draining system, to say the least we did not have fish that night.

For dinner, the entire family was there and we sat in the wood kitchen (which consisted of a portable porpane stove). The family talked the entire night Shuar, which I can´t even begin to understand. That is when I began to wonder. Here I am in the middle of the jungle, with people I can barely communicate with, and they are all speaking something I have no idea what´s going. And I am very alone. It´s going to be a trip.

Day 1 - Puyo

2008-06-29T16:58:00.000-07:00

If you have ever read The Alchemist, the theme of this post will be eerily familiar. I left off heading onto a bus, having no idea where I was going or who I was going to talk to, and a stranger answered my contacts phone. . . .
After a beautiful bus ride, green hills surrounded by forrest everywhere, I get to the bus terminal. Surrounded by taxis and people and vendors. A man comes up to me, are you looking for a friend? My first thought, call Alfonso (also known more formally as Wajuyat). No luck, he doesn´t answer. I should try to use a local phone. I head over to some various stores, and am told I need to buy a card, which I do, and its way too complicated. I then try to use the internet and I am informed "no luz". Apparantly, there is no internet in Puyo till 6. Hmm, this is going to be a problem.

I take a taxi to the main part of town, drop off my heavy backpack, and find a cafe with a generator. I log on to receive the following email: Elliott my phone was stolen, here is my new phone number, I will be waiting at the bus stop". Hmm, ok. I try calling his phone, he doesn´t answer. I quickly run back to the bus stop. I ask every person there, have you seen Alfonso, no reply. Hmm.

At this point its getting dark so I book a hostel for the night and have dinner. I get back on the internet and Alfonso emails me - Where are you, I'm in the centro? I quickly email him back, "I am too". "Call me". I can´t.

Side note- there are two different phone companies in Puyo. The restaurant I ate at had two different phone numbers, it is very confusing, and just a wee bit frustrating.

I email him saying I can´t. He asks where I am, I tell him next to the small park. It ends up he is next door across the street. It just really goes to show that the things you are most looking for, are more than often, right in front of you!

We decide to spend the night as it will take 2 hours to get into the dark jungle. I try to leave my sketchy hostel around 10pm and I´m locked in from the inside. I can´t get out and buy a pen (which I had lost all of mine). Not only that if there´s a fire, I´m not escaping. Hmm, what an interesting night.

Overall this day was my "panic" day. I have no back up plan, nothing was working out, and I freaked out. By the end of the day things calmed down, but man my nerves were jaunted being in the middle of nowhere and not being able to find my way. Little did I realize, that was just the beggining.

In to the Unknown

2008-06-24T19:43:00.000-07:00

I´ve decided the best alarm clock is an airplane. 6:00 am, on the dot. The entire room begins to shake, litteraly. I was warned for this, but it didn´t matter. It was crazy. I couldn´t hear anyuthing besides the rumbling of the engines. I guess there are “quirks” to living next to an airfield.

In my PLC class we read how being close to airplanes will bringing the reading ability of a class down a level, I now understand why. I was tired, so I kept sleeping, waking up every fifteen minutes to the “roar”. I had the strangest dream about entering into a magic tournament in Ecuador.

Esteban and his novia decided to bring me to the bus depot after some delicious juice and eggs. Before we left though, Esteban suggested that I call Alfonso, my director in the rainforest. I dial the number, and a crazy lady answers. “Esta Alfonso”, all I hear is the bla, bla,bla. I try again, same person. Hmm, this is no good. I have Esteban try so he can understand the bla,bla,bla. She hangs up on him. Well its too late, my ride is here, and we are off to the bus stop none the less.

The bus station has over 50 busses. It´s crazy. A man comes up to me and says “we are leaving in 5 minutes to Puyo” we take that one and rush off quickly saying our goodbyes and paying to exit. It is so weird having to pay to exit a building.

On the bus a movie is showing Apacolypto. How interesting watching Mel Gibson´s interpretation of the natives I will be hanging out with. It was Esteban´s favorite movie. I was on a nice bus with lay bcak chairs. Half way through my 5 hour ride, I decide I need to pee. So I check the door in the back but its locked. The other riders tell me I need to talk to the conductor (mind you all of this is in Spanish, Puyo, not really a tourist town). It took me a while to figure out how to open the door to the conductor. I go to the man in front and ask to use the bathroom – “Puedo usar el bano”. He says hang on. I go back. So apparantly the door in the back was not a bathroom. Four teenage girls giigle at me.

A bit down the road I realize we were going to a town “Bano”, and so he probably didn´t realize that I needed to pee. So I enjoy the landscape. There are crops over all the mountains like a really warped chess board. It is breathtaking. I see giant valleys covered in trees. I looked outside the window all 5 hours and I´d do it again, it was so beautiful.

The bus halts, and the man tells me I can use the bano. We are on the side of a highway next to a mountain. I asked him where, he pointed to a bush. I see. . I told him I didn´t need it but he seemed to insist. I walked up to the bush and pee. I come back and the girls begin to giggle. After some more breathtaking views we arrive in Puyo. I am in the middle of nowhere! I decide to try and call Alfonso again, no answer. Well this makes things interesting. I spend 30 minutes asking where an interent cafe is. No one could understand me. I finally get to one, and the person in the place tells me, there is no electricity in this city till 6 at night. Well that makes things a bit more interesting. I have no idea where I am nor what I´m doing, or where I´m going. Hmm, I guess secretly that was my goal and hear I am.

The night is going to be crazy.

Esteban

2008-06-21T19:42:00.000-07:00

I could not have asked for a better welcome to Ecuador. Esteban brought me back to his house. He lives next to his cousin, great aunt, father, brother, and who knows who else! I met them all. When I met the women they do this kiss thing next to your cheek which took me a while to get used to. The hospitality was amazing. They gave me a giant room and insisted on getting me a glass of water. The great Aunt told me “you are welcome back here at any time” which was good to know because who knows where I would be.

We took a taxi to pick up Estaban´s friends. Estaban was really good at English, but he kept speeking Spanish and it was so hard for me to figure out. I could figure out like one or two words in each sentence so it would sound like “I´m going to bla, bla,bla. What bla,bla,bla. Bla,bla,bla think”. To the say the least I was very overwhelmed. I spent the whole night trying to figure out what in the world are all these friends saying.

Esteban wants to be an architect and is working on his thesis designing a community center. He is very interested in the psychology of architecture and improving the community My kind of man.

They took me to his cousin´s restaurant and we had quite the night. Walking there was quite the tour. We went around Old Town. The buildings were huge. I felt so alone in the world (I really don´t like big cities and all I could hear was Spanish). It was an amazing feeling. But when we arrived to the main center an outdoor band was playing and that got me back in the mood.

We went up to the “cousin´s restaurant” and had dinner. I tried all sorts of amazing foods. Everyone was a bit shocked that I was a vegetarian. They made fun of me the whole night – “Try this Elliott, but it might have meat in it, and don´t want you to die” I tried this cheese dupling that was marvelous. I had potato soup with guacamole. They have fried corn kernals which was amazing. My favorite though was Hot Chocolate with cheese. Oh you thought marshmellows were good, you haven´t had anything till you´ve tried cheese. We had this sugar cane liquor which tasted amazing like a “super juice” and a local wine. It was so nice being with friends.

Esteban told me he would love to hang out with me some more, perhaps go to the Galapagos, but at least go to a salsa. He was 100% concerned for me, and it meant SO much. When we went home I passed out, to get some sleep for what would be the craziest day of my life.

The Flight

2008-06-18T19:41:00.000-07:00

My flight was just like any other flight. Though I tried my new top secret recepie that a stewardess showed me – lime and cranapple. Try it, it will change you life. On my flight to Ecuador I sat next to two college girls – a shout out to S+L (their prefered names). They came from Iowa State and were planning on teaching in the Galapagos. I was planning on going to the galapagos and I told them we should meet. I begn to look up tours to the Galapagos, and it would cost me at least $1000 to go. It is the place you ¨have to go¨in Ecuador, but a $1000. Man. I decided I might ¨¨have to go¨when I can afford it, but who knows where this trip will take me (I have no idea).

I met these two kids behind me in the most peculiar way. I kept getting fett pushing up on my butt. It was quite the strangest sensation. What was that? And it happened sporadically all throught the flight. It ended up the kid found a crack between the cushions and was enjoying his discovery. At the end of the flight I talked to them. I told them “couldn´t talk” and they spent a good 30 minutes trying to prove to me I could, which they failed to do.

I said goodbye to L+S and preceded through customs. I found my contact Esteban holding a sign with my name on it (he, his father, and his girlfriend had all been waiting an hour for me) and we took off.

In the car, Esteban asked me “So why did two girls tell me you were crazy” and I was shocked. Well I enjoyed the 3 minutes when everyone in Ecuador thought I was normal. We left the airport for one of the best nights I would have in Ecuador.

The Calm Before the Storm

2008-06-14T19:40:00.000-07:00

And so I left the United States. I was a bit nervous. The whole day before my flight I just spent surfing random webpages, trying to find back up, back up, back up plans. I found a sight that Could hook you up with other volunteer opportunities and I found a sight with 1000 people in Ecuador who will give their couch to you. The strange thing is, I shouldn´t have been doing this. I needed to pack.

I had three weeks, and yet I decided to pack ain the last hour of the last day. I guess this is what I´m trying to change on my trip. I gave my father his father´s day gift (teaching him how to add favorites on the Internet) and I put everything togeter (24 pounds total).

During the day we were in quite a panic. Marian, a friend of my parents was going to ¨hook me up¨with her nephew so I could have a place to stay in Quito when I arrived. Well she didn´t call. And I was reminded how much my mother cared for me. She started freaking out, where are you going to stay. I told my mother that I had a hotel as a backup, but that did not relax the tension.

Lucky for me, Marian stopped by our house at about 11:30. She gave me the name of her Nephew, his number, and a blanket to give him. I was set to go. Strangely enough I had no idea what this man looked like, nor had I never talked to him, but I figured, all the better.

I checked my email one last time, and the director of the program I´m staying at shoots me an email in Spanish. I will wait for you the 13^th at the bus stop. Oh shoot. I told him I´m arriving in Quito, but it will take me a day to get to Puyo! And he doesn´t get internet in the jungle. So I sent him an email back saying, I´m sorry, I won´t be in Puyo till the 14^th! Little did I realize it takes 2 hours to get to the internet cafe from his house L

I spent my last day in a queen sized bed and I prepared for who knows what. I had a backpack with 4 books, some money, and socks for 4 days. I had a name Alfonso and a city Puyo and the knowledge that I would be picked up by someone tomorrow night. I think you will notice a theme here that I´m not very good at makeing things concrete.

Into the Jungle of the Mind

2008-06-04T18:54:00.000-07:00

My name is Elliott Hedman. I just graduated as an Electrical Computer Engineer and I am about to spend the next 6 years of my life pursuing a Ph.D. at MIT. It's a bit overwhelming.

Recognizing the opportunities ahead of me, I've decided I need to get back to my roots in the next 2 months. I'm adventuring down to Ecuador, working on a reforestation project. I will be visiting indigenous people throughout the rainforest, recording their stories, and collecting seeds of endangered plants from the local tribes.

Beyond dedicating myself to a cause, I hope to gain a solid foundation of who I am. What are my true values, who do I want to be in 10 years, and why in the world am I an engineer?

I will be keeping an interactive journal of my adventures and findings, all right here. I strongly encourage you to submit your email so you can receive updates when I create a post (which will be happening very sporadically in the jungle). I did this last time I went to Africa and blogged about my unique experience. There I had two marriage proposals, received an African name from the lead art director of Kenya, and accidentally encountered a prostitute. This is going to be the 2nd stage of my journey, and who knows where I will end up. It would mean a lot to me for you to come along and let me know your thoughts!

With love,

Elliott Hedman

Are you on a new limited edition Gap t-shirt?!

2008-06-02T13:13:00.000-07:00

"Are you on a new limited edition Gap t-shirt?!" I received that post from a former teacher of mine via facebook last week. I was very confused and believed the email was spam. But then I went to the webpage and was quite shocked to find a picture that looked quite like me on a tshirt.

I quickly posted this online, and recieved numerous emails, "why did you put yourself on a tshirt"? Further research showed, that this tshirt was actually a "collectors edition", created by famous artist Chuck Close.

You should know about me that, fame and fortune, are not things I pursue. It doesn't make sense to live my life so others envy me or know of me. My existence needs to go beyond material goods. Being on a tshirt is not something I pursue or value.

But then why is it important that I am on a tshirt? Well that's the thing, it is important to me! I spend so much of my time, trying to eliminate myself: it's not about me, its about the bigger picture. I shouldn't focus on my fame, instead I should create something more. But then again, I am really glad I'm on a Tshirt! So we're in a dilemma, should I pursue my "tshirt" fame as it makes me happy or should I do my best to ignore this desire?

What's the point? Well I guess its to see how wrapped up in illusion and denial I am. I can tell myself that it doesn't matter if I'm famous enough to be on a tshirt, but in the end, when I do get on a tshirt, it makes me happy, excited, curious, and interested. I am reminded that I do have personal desires, despite my strong desire not to.

I am appreciative that I am on a tshirt, but that does not mean I am pursuing being on a tshirt. I am not dedicating my life to being famous. But is this a problem in its own righ? I am not going in the direction that my desires point. And not following our desires/passion seems like a bad idea.

This entire unraveling of my reality has really stuck to me lately. I discover my true desires which don't always add up to what they "should be". How much value should I put on my desires? Another way of saying that is: how much desire do I have to pursue my desire? And are my desires real or illusions?

I don't have the answer to that question now, but I hope to focus on this for 6 weeks in Ecuador. What are my 100% true values/desires and how do I want to pursue them. That way when I begin graduate school in the Fall, I am in line with the direction that I value most. That said, this might be an overwhelming challenge. Is it possible for us to be truly aligned with our values and our desires at the same time? Well if I can do it I'll definitely let you know. As for now, I will simply smile that someone made a tshirt that looks just like me, and enjoy it, even if I didn't pursue it. The exciting part is "WHY" does it look like me and the importance of that!

Things to ponder:

When was a time when you realized that you are pretending not to have a desire you actually have?
Should we put weight on our personal desires? Why?
Imagine a famous Tshirt was made with an image of you on it. Would that be important?

As always, I'd love to hear you comments!

Why do we not like to focus on the point?

2007-12-01T01:33:00.001-08:00

New addition:

After talking to my students about this, they pointed out some flaws in my logic. It seems like the real problem is the responsiblity bringing someone into this world in sub-par conditions. This makes total sense: my mother cares so much about me being raised right and it would devestate her knowing that she failed me as a mother. They also pointed out that adoption programs are not "1 click" away and are very "risky". And so I withdraw my conclusion, but instead begin to wonder:

Perhaps we should not be trying to redefine "life" but begin to look at these much more serious, emotional issues like: the responsibility of a mother bringing life into this world. I believe that is a much, much, much stronger argument than what is living vs. what is not living!
Let me know what you think. As I stated before, I am not a woman, nor can I claim to have given birth. These are just ideas on an intriguing subject they are by no means claims, I am very open-minded on this subject.

I have just finished editing 5 papers trying to persuade me whether abortions should be legal or illegal (the other 2 were about Euthanasia). In my reading I actually came up with a perspective that I think could bring new light to how Abortion can be agreed upon from different parties. I feel safe posting this, as it is too complicated and unfounded to put in an objective case study that my students are writing.

For me problems don't exist; people are just looking at things differently. I took that logic and applied it to Abortion. The entire issue appears to revolve around a very profound question - "When does life begin?". Now this is a very deep question considering we have yet to really define exactly what life is to begin with. Never the less, 2 sides have appeared. One side says it starts at the beginning within milliseconds. The other side says, no , no, it starts in a few months when the cells start doing some sort of crazy group party thing. This argument makes me smile in a strange way.

So what is the right answer? Well come on, do you really think an engineer, who probably won't be pregnant for most of his life knows? No I don't. But that's what I do know (and I think everyone does know this). I know I don't know. Life is mysterious, surprising, and beyond comprehension, so I'm not going to put it down in a blog for you, much like you won't see God, differential equations, and Sesame Street fully put into words here. But knowing that you currently do not know does wonders for this debate!

What is the right course of action if you don't know if something has life or not? I don't know, that's why I'm writing this blog, maybe we'll both find out. So here's my ethical scenario I want to give to you: You are in the forest. And it is foggy. I mean soup like foggy. You have a dilemma. You are being chased by a wild, enraged jaberwocky which has separated you from the rest of the group. You hear walking coming from the right of you but you don't know if its the jaberwoky or your colleague. In your hand is a rifle. If you shoot the walking thing to the right you will save yourself one way or another. The problem is, you might shoot the jaberwocky or you might shoot your good friend, Joe. Morally should you shoot?

My studies in philosophy have not told me the answer to this yet. I could do an analyzing it by numbers. There is a 78% Joe is there, so I should take a chance and put my life at risk because of the unknown. The problem with this argument is the other side. If there is a 12% chance that it is Joe, am I now justified to shoot? It just doesn't feel right. I seem to be sacrificing a strong value for life. But then lets go on the other side- there is a 99.9% chance that its the Jaberwokie. Am I still being immoral?

So I see this as an analogy to the debate on Abortion. Replace a rifle with an abortion, the jaberwokie with all the responsibilities of being a parent, and Joe with an unborn fetus. Some things that change outside of the analogy: In the previous analogy, it was your life or Joes, the extremes. Where now, you just majorly alter your life, perhaps stopping you from specific goals, or setting you up to hurt a child you cannot provide for. Also, to make this more similar, Joe cannot have experiences (which us existentialist love so much). He can't be that self-aware, nor even know his potential). If the Joe's experiences switches your view, the question for you is no longer when does life begin, but what determines the value of a life (so shallow).

With this analogy, I believe I have melded both views together to really focus on the actual problem. Some will argue that my analogy doesn't actually have fog. That there is a 100% knowledge that life starrs in 3 mili-seconds. That makes me smile :) From my student's papers I saw that the current religious policy is based on the idea that when looking at an egg cell- movement was seen. Oh my gosh they discovered a cell!!! And if a cell can be seen moving, it has to be the beginning of life.

Fast forward a few century and religious institutions discovered that are whole body has cells. If our whole body is the beginning of life then pricking our thumb is as bad as an abortion. No, so there is definitely a lack of "scientific knowledge" of when life begins.

Another interesting idea stemming from this is why are we so concerned about this life and not other lives. Why are we so sure that a group of cells has innate value (which it very well could), but then when we see a walking, emotional duck, it is more than fine to eat it. How do we know that life does not begin with the duck so well?

So if you asked me if I had to get an abortion right now would I. No way. I see the fog in front, and I know the jaberwokie is coming close. But a much easier solution is for me to just give the jaberwokie up for adoption. Then I know that Joe is alive and the jaberwokie is not going to kill me.

That said, I recognize that there are so many external pressures that I am not taking account on whether I should get an abortion. A better question is, is it alright for me to force others not to be able to have an abortion?

Is it OK for me to force my friend Sarah not to shoot into the fog when I know Joe could be out there, even though she is scared. But she might not hit Joe! This answer seems so much more clear to me, I would stop Sarah in a heartbeat if I was sure that I could help run another path (the path of adoption) to avoid the Jaberwokie.

So there you go I guess from this block I have logically persuaded myself to be conservative as long as there is another path. But just to be the way I am, I will point out that by illegalizing abortions they will still happen just illegally and less safely. In addition, that "path of adoption" doesn't quite work in China where abortion keeps the population from exploding and overconsuming the whole world. So there you go.

Oh the power of the unknown and the jaberwokie. Fun stuff.

Math Quiz #7

2007-10-09T23:13:00.001-07:00

Yesterday there were jeopardy tryouts. My grandmother loves jeopardy and I think me being on Jeopardy would make her life complete. So I went to the UMC and stood in line. Long story short, I got bored standing in line, and decided to wander a bit until the line started moving.

Instead of going back in line though, I ended up going to a random seminar about how to inspire creativity through computer science. And one sentence in that lecture warped my mind:

Creative people are intense.

Rewind. Every day I grow in my belief that there are no strengths and weaknesses just “is’s”. Math isn’t your strength. You just can do math well. Being physically unfit is not your weakness it is just a state. If we take this theory then strengths sometimes can be weaknesses and weaknesses can sometimes be strengths.

Some examples.

When I took on being a teacher this year, I knew one of my “weaknesses” is that I can’t sympathize. I understand why they feel the way they do, it just does not translate into my feelings.
Just this week one of my friends had a lot of things to get off their chest. They told me at the end of our conversation, I like coming to you because I know I am not creating a burden. Your lack of sympathy makes it so I can easily talk to you.
Now that was a shocker, that the one concern I had, actually made me more of who I wanted to be – someone approachable.

If a weakness can be a strength at times, then a strength can be weakness at times.

One of my “strengths” is creativity. As I say, you have to work hard to push me in the box . Creativity has gotten me into a lot of cool things and has helped me immensely. That said going back to the quote:

Creative people are intense.

The speaker then went onto say, look at Thomas Edison, Albert Einstein, the Write Brothers, etc. All these people who make this Big C change are really intense. They spend their lives dedicated to the subject. As the speaker said- “people you would not want to marry”. They focus so hard on things that their very social lives get ruined.

And then I thought, wait a second that is me. I am intense and that has had a negative effect throughout my life. I never knew that it was intimately tied to creativity. So what does that mean?

Well go back to that original theory, that it isn’t a strength or weakness, just an “is”. Next time my life falls apart because of my intensity (which it does about every month), allow it to. Know that this intensity is also a gift in disguise. For it is intimately tied to my creativity- one of the things I am proud of.

What does this mean for you? Take the thing you want to improve most in your life and the thing you are most proud of. How close are they intertwined? This has been a wonderful lesson to help be get back to the “is” instead of the false “good/bad” me.

An interesting thought- I left the line in jeopardy because my “intense” nature cannot handle standing in one place for more than 5 minutes. If I had stayed in line, I may very well have been giving the ultimate gift to my Grandma. But the thing is, the only way I would have gotten through those rounds would be through being able to CREATIVELY answering all 60 questions.

Resurection

2007-04-01T23:45:00.000-07:00

While I was wondering:

A single point of a single snow flake contains more information than all of the computers in the world combined.

The best way to make a Buddhist unbalanced is to make him care.

If you ever take a break from time, when you decide to pay attention to it again, be prepared for a few bumps.

I am approaching love from two sides. On one side I plan to love everyone as much as I can unconditionally. On the other, I am intimate to a few who harmonize with me. Note for the future- this strategy doesn't work very well, the two are quite exclusive.

In San Jose - Cabo there is a local side of the beach and a tourist side of the beach. I sit with the locals. I met one of the most friendly and caring people sitting on the rocks there. He sits there every day before going off to sale tacos at 3.

I don't understand dancing in Mexican bars.

A small child was standing on a seat at the California Pizza Kitchen in the booth next to me. Instead of eating dinner he jumped up and down on the cushion all night. Another girl from a different family made laps around the restaurant while singing a song that had no comprehendable words. There is something special in children that taps into so much energy. Perhaps they should make trampolines that adults could sit on during dinner.

Somewhere on facebook is a close up picture of me running behind a mini car in the Houston Airport, running for an airplane that was supposed to take off 2 minutes ago. I am wearing sandals and socks.